JUST10

It has been 10 years since I fell in love with the phrase “out of the blue.” I first encountered this saying a decade ago, and that’s why I use it on a daily basis. To commemorate this 10th year, I will write about it here. Around this time, I worked as a painter at an art supply lab, a job that continues to this day. I had a relatively good life, enjoying music and dancing as hobbies with my partner who was two years older. He always agreed with and supported me. One day, I went out to work while he had the day off. I told him, “If I come home late, feel free to enjoy yourself.” As usual, he saw me off with a smile and said, “Please be careful and have fun.” Little did I know it would be the last time I saw him alive. When I returned home, he was lifeless in our room. For some reason, he had spread many of my paintings all around and under his body before his passing. In that moment, my mind went blank, and the saddest event occurred. I couldn’t stop crying each day. Whenever I went out or worked, I wore dark sunglasses. For about a year, I would wake up at 5 am every morning, go to work, and return home at midnight. My boss at the time helped me by giving me more work, keeping my mind occupied and preventing me from dwelling on my sadness. While it brought some relief, I realized I had money but no one to spend it with or anything to spend it on. It was just money. Despite this, I couldn’t overcome the whirlpool of sorrow. I had lived with my partner for eight years, and his parents would often ask, “Will you get married next year?” Despite our shared love for art and music, we never considered marriage. He asked if I wanted children, saying we would marry if I did. We were both laid-back individuals, taking life as it came. We shared the same birthday, and since his passing, my birthdays have been difficult each year. However, I no longer feel that way. Although he is no longer with us, I appreciate the time I spent with him. Painting and creative work always uplift my spirit, even to this day. Currently, I am working on a mandala, finding solace in yoga before starting my work to align my mind. When I focus on drawing, the power of yoga influences my art. It brings me joy. Many things will happen from now on, both happy and sad, but I am prepared because life is unpredictable. I will continue to live. I carry anxiety and sadness within, but I keep them in a corner of my heart, hoping they will fade with time. He used to say, “I love you as much as flowers, insects, and nature. Remember that you need to keep falling in love.” Those were his words. I remember the moment you left me, the laughter we shared, and the solemn faces of the doctors when he was pronounced dead in his hospital bed. They said to me, “He’s gone.” You laughed and remarked, “That’s their job.” I laughed at those words. It’s like placing my hands together on his death anniversary. Now, let’s create a wonderful, beautiful mandala together.